Returning to Running

Today, I ran 2.1 miles with my puppy.

I am someone who ran half marathons in multiple states. I was a total bad ass…a legend in my own mind. Then I ran too many races with zero training. Long story short, my body went into shock. I ceased all activities and became a hard-core couch cowboy. I caught up on my reality TV, my unread books and found that 30 pounds I had lost. As a voluptuous woman to begin with, 30 pounds is a push to the chubby.

As I stood naked in front of the mirror, I realized that I was fat. Now, I know that women are not supposed to say such a thing. It is permissible, if not encouraged, to think it. But not to say it out loud, unless as a precursor to body shaming during a gossip session while diving head first into retail therapy. Oh, and also, we should not actually be fat when we say it. We should still be thin, with a shadow of a curve, shimmying into size 4 pants. But nonetheless, there I stood. Fat. Size 14, concerned that I would need to go to the next size. Depressed. Sad. And generally unhappy with the image staring back at me. I felt lost and unsure how to move forward. I was the heaviest I had ever been. For the first time in my life, I truly felt ugly. Repulsive.

After wallowing in my depression and self hate, I gained another 5 pounds and knew something needed to change fast! I sat myself down with some Double Dark Chocolate ice cream and contemplated my next steps.

I returned to running. Once upon a time, I loved running. I began running as a fluke and began training for my first half marathon days after my first run. It was instant gratification and instant results…once upon a time.

Once again, I strapped on my favorite shoes, ear buds primed and watch charged. I made it less that 20 feet before pain started. This pain was like nothing I felt before. My feet hurt. My legs hurt. My lungs wanted to explode. Running has changed. This will not be the return I had hoped for. It will be slow and arduous and I will need to actually train. Today I celebrated 2 miles…2.14 miles to be exact. And it was awesome. Slow as molasses, short and not very sweet. But I did it and I am super excited!!

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